Steve's Not-Quite-A-Cliche List

(or Not-Even-Close-But-Funny-Anyway List)

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- Steve

Cockroaches so big -- step on one -- and you'll slide for a block
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Dickson's Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
Well if that isn't a hen's turd in the milk
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury: 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
given that:
**imitation is the sincerest form of flattery **
and flattery will get you nowwhere
it follows that: imitation will get you nowhere.
the following are from a collection of statements by British football (soccer) announcers which are funny, but missed qualifying for the mixed-cliche list.
Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money.
Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice.
And I suppose they [Spurs] are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than any other time since the first half of this season, when they weren't ever in it anyway.
... and he crosses the line with the ball almost mesmerically tied to his foot with a ball of string...
I never make predictions and I never will.
And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold.
....and the news from Guadalajara where the temperature is 96 degrees, is that Falcao is warming up.
If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again.
I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need it.
The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee.
I think that was a moment of cool panic there.
I spent four indifferent years at Goodison Park, but they were great years.
It's headed away by John Clark, using his head.
He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him.
The shot from Laws was precise but wide.
The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour.
Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different.
You have got to miss them to score sometimes.
And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out.
And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds.
What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal.
That's football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored but England have had no chances and scored twice.
...and so they have not been able to improve their 100% record.
In comparison, there's no comparison.
I would also think that the action replay showed it to be worse than it actually was.
Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put together.
Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins.
I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way.
And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0.
Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.
If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistant.
The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something that nobody else did.
They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different.
Glen Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we know. Neither has Bryan Robson.
There's no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best. He's another Ryan Giggs.
I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.
For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip.
I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona.

the following are actual lines out of OER (Officer Efficiency Report) -- performance appraisal for the British military
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Steve Lautenschlager -- steve@cambiaresearch.com