Steve's Fun With Cliches Page

Hot enough for you? You know what they say, it's not the heat it's the humidity. If you're not careful in North Carolina on the fourth of July you'll fry. It's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut. Some say a watched pot never boils; maybe they never watched a pot on a North Carolina hot spot. But let's not fan the flames, and by all means, let's not burn any bridges. We'll fight fire with fire and have ourselves a cookout. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. We'll have it made in the shade. That's right as rain. But when it rains it pours... cats and dog, you know. A good soaking could put a damper on things. But you gotta eat, so the show must go on. Still, here's hoping. I heard straight from the horses mouth that it'll be dry as a bone 'til it comes time to snuff the midnight oil.

But enough about that, sure as shootin' when you come knockin' thinking, "I could eat a horse", we won't make you sing for your supper or eat crow. We won't send you on a wild goose chase or throw you a red herring. Just bring whatever tickles your fancy and that will hit the spot. Afterall, variety is the spice of life. But maybe I'm beating a dead horse. I'm sure you get the point. It's a dog-eat-dog world, but this is one time your eyes can be bigger than your stomach or you can bite off more than you can chew and nobody will be the wiser.

So don't be afraid to jump on the bandwagon and go with the flow. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Sometimes you just gotta let your hair down. On the other hand...hmmm, I seem to have lost my train of thought...to each his own. Carpe Diem.

But I'll cut to the chase; get down to brass tacks. My time is nearly up and I'm fresh out of ideas. We hope you'll check it out. Simple pleasures are the best. A good Fourth Fest is nothing to sneeze at. And I'm not just whistling dixie!

That's all folks. It's a wrap.

Just off the top of my head, I think it's over your head. I mean you'd loose your head if it wasn't attached. Go runnin' 'round like a chicken with its head cut off. I need your opinon like I need a hole in the head and if I had eyes in the back of my head I'd say two heads are better than one, but in your case I think you're in over your head. It's all in your head. You got your head in the clouds. Regardless, don't bury your head in the sand--leave a message. MAN, my head is swimming. I gotta go.

I despise wearing ties but my attorney had insisted. He picked this one himself-- said it made me look humble and desperate, especially when it was tied too tight. He said I should just shut up and deal with it because I needed all the help I could get.

The guy on the witness stand wasn't helping matters either: sitting there so smug with his clerical collar and that big bruise on his forehead! I knew it wouldn't matter what I said when I got up there. I was dead meat.

"Counselor...", the judge called to my attorney, "Do you have any questions for this witness? If not, please have your client take the stand."

"I have no questions your honor.", he replied, then turned to me and whispered his instructions. "Do you believe in miracles, Mr. Miller? I hope so, because that's what it's going to take. Just try to relax. Sound apologetic. Tell the truth. And for heaven sake stop fiddling with your tie!"

"Mr. Miller", asked the judge, "Can you offer the court any reasonable explanation for why you struck the Reverend Dunkleberger?"

"Well sir", I replied, trying to sound humble and desperate, "I was having a very bad day."

"You were having a bad day, so you hit a minister?"

"No your honor. He said something... Then I hit him." The judge said nothing. He just raised his nearest eyebrow in a way that made me feel I should explain things a little further.

It was the clichés. They are my one and only pet-peeve. The effect that nails on a chalkboard have on most people; that's what hearing clichés does to me. That's why it had been a very bad day.

It started at work. Our new manager was one of those people who used every acronym, corporate-babble and motivational-speaker slogan that had ever been uttered. He "Does Lunch". He "Runs Things Up The Flag Pole". He believes we should "Straighten Up And Fly Right", and "Give A Hundred And Ten Percent" because if "Nothing's Ventured Nothing's Gained", "F.Y.I.", "A.S.A.P.", "P.D.Q."

By five O'clock I was twitching and foaming at the mouth. That was before I discovered that my car wasn't going to start. As I stood in the parking lot with the hood up and the snow coming down, he pulled up in his Beemer.

"Problem with the old car?", he asked. "Cars are just like women, I always say."

"Oh no!", I thought. "Here comes another one... "

"...Can't Live With 'em. Can't Live Without 'em!"

I respectfully declined his offer of a ride, knowing that he'd never make it home alive.

"Are you sure?" he asked again. "He Who Hesitates Is Lost, ya know."

He left. After banging my head against the fender for a few minutes, I felt much better and turned toward the corner store to call a tow truck. Behind the counter was the perkiest, chattiest clerk I had ever met: a living, breathing version of Ned Flanders from The Simpsons TV show. My request for coffee and change was met with a hearty, "Okey-Dokey!"

Asking if he could recommend a repair shop turned out to be a mistake.

"I feel for ya' buddy", he chimed. "If It's Not One Thing, It's Another. When It Rains, It Pours. But there's No Use Crying Over Spilled Milk. When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade!"

"Ever been attacked with a Slim Jim?", I asked under my breath.

"Pardon?"

Nothing. "What about the repair shop."

"Oh, yeah. There's a shop about two blocks down. Those guys are Straight As An Arrow... Honest As The Day Is Long. If It Ain't Broke, They Won't Fix It, but if it is, they'll Make It Right As Rain, And You Can Take That To The Bank. Trouble is, they close at five. You'll have to try that shop across the street, but hey, Beggars Can't Be Choosers."

Across the street, I was informed that the tow truck was out on a job and would be back in 45 minutes. I decided to take the bus. The attendant didn't seem to care.

"To Each His Own.", he declared. "Have A Nice Day."

"Have a nice day!", I muttered to myself as I trudged down the street.

"I'll give you a nice day, you.... "

"So you were agitated and mumbling to yourself as you approached the bus stop, is that correct?", asked the judge. I had become so engrossed in telling my story that I had forgotten where I was.

"Yes sir."

"And Reverend Dunkleberger was there when you arrived, is that correct? I concurred. "What exactly did he say to you?"

"He asked if it was cold enough for me."

"And then...?" prompted his honor.

"And then I hit him upside the head with my briefcase."

"The court finds you guilty and orders you to pay a fine and restitution." said the judge. "Oh, and Mr. Miller... Have A Nice Day."

[As always, your comments are welcome c/o the Standard Observer or at outthere@westol.com. Special thanks this week to Steve Lautenschlager of Duke University. Steve "Doesn't Know Me From Adam", but was kind enough to list over 1300 cliches at his website: www.phy.duke.edu/~stevel/cliches.]

Contents of this page reproduced without permission of authors.